Monday, December 04, 2006

Sex and Pornography

That's bound to get my hit rate up. Not that it's intended to. I'm currently committing Robert Burns' epic poem Tam O'Shanter to memory, the better to perform it at our next Burns' Supper (25th January). I learned most of the last one third of it when I was seven, and can still recite it. I decided it was high time I learned the rest. It's very enjoyable trying to perform it in such a way that it is intelligible to an audience even if they understand only a fraction of the vocabulary.

Anyway, being in this poetic frame of mind has had its influence, hence the poem the other day. And this new one for today. I actually started writing it in Scots, but decided half-way through that would be too silly, so I changed it back and finished it off. The title of this post is the title of the poem. Enjoy.


Pornography makes real life seem so bland.
The plumber never wants a helping hand.
Besides, the ones that come around my place
Lack much appeal in body, style or face.

I've never had my car in to be mended
And got enthusiastically rear-ended
By gruff mechanics greased from chest to balls
Whose massive cocks rip through their overalls.

My one encounter with a hole of glory
Was quick to turn from fabulous to gory
I realised the feeling on my beef
Was splendid 'cause the sucker had no teeth!

It's oh so easy on the silver screen.
They're hot, they shag, and everything's so clean!
No mess, no fuss, no farts, no splats, no pain.
And when they've come, they go at it again!

Perhaps it's meant to set the standard high,
Convince me that I really ought to try
To make my own life even half as hot,
And make me think I've failed if it is not.

Well, bugger that. I'd rather have it real.
It isn't always perfect but I feel
It's best to focus on your partner's pleasure
For in the bedroom, that's the proper measure.

4 comments:

Reluctant Nomad said...

'I realised the feeling on my beef
Was splendid 'cause the sucker had no teeth!'

Do you know that some mixed race (coloured as they are known there) women in Cape Town still have their front teeth removed to create a 'passion gap'. How does that song go? 'It's a Man's world...'

Tickersoid said...

You are obviously buying better quality porn than me. The stuff I watch, I'm surprised they don't all fall asleep.

Must dash, I have a ticket to Cape Town.

Tickersoid said...

Oh, and quality poem btw.

Anonymous said...

Excellent! sums it up perfectly. Watch out Pam Ayres.