Friday, April 21, 2006

Stifling (Warning - scatalogical)*

I've just come back from the loo. I'm a regular visitor. Much more regular than I have any right to expect, given that without the prompting (and exquisite cooking) of my Lovely Husband™, I would happily subsist on a diet of meat and lard.

Seriously. I could happily have a roast chicken for dinner, just on its own, or maybe with some mayo or pickle. Lovely Husband™ doesn't consider it a meal unless there's a big vegetable presence. And we're not talking Celebrity Can't Cook Won't Cook featuring Steven Hawkings.

There's always at least 3 and often 5 different types of veg when my man's been at it in the kitchen (which is most days). And he doesn't even count potatoes as a vegetable! Whereas, if I have a packet of crisps, that's one of my 5-a-day, thank you very much. In fact, it's two of my 5-a-day, because they're cooked in vegetable oil, so that's got to count for something.

We tried the Atkins Diet once. I thrived on it (part of me wants to write "throve"). He hated it. Couldn't take eating all that fat. Me, I was tucking into streaky bacon covered in a sauce of cream and cheese. And losing weight! (And developing halitosis that could strip paint. They don't mention that in the book.)

If life was fair, Lovely Husband™ would enjoy better downstairs movement than I do, but 'tis not so.

That was all background. Here's what I wanted to write about.

I'm working in a new building, which isn't fully fitted out yet. I head into the gents to drop one after lunch (within half an hour of putting something in one end, I usually have to allow something out the other). There's a guy in there doing some tiling.

Hmm. I head into a cubicle, regretting the beans I had at breakfast this morning. I can feel it coming, and it's not gonna come quietly. He's going to know it was me. There will be no avoiding the guilt and shame. I mean, what am I gonna do - belt out a few numbers from Sunset Boulevard to cover the other sound effects?

There is a handy tactic that used to work for me in situations like this. I think of it as The Widespread Silence. Lately, however, it has been failing me, most likely because of a change of diet.

The Widespread Silence is performed by reaching behind with both hands, getting a good grip on either side of your bum, and pulling your cheeks apart so as to spread the lips of your cloaca. Then when you relax, gas can escape with little or no sound, since it's more like breathing out through an open mouth as distinguished from forcing air out through tightly pursed lips.

Something about the internal feedback suggested that The Widespread Silence wasn't going to cut it for me on this occasion, so I had to come up with something new. And I got it, by george I think I got it. Took a piece of paper, did the same action that I normally would for wiping, but let the gas out whilst I was doing that. There was a little noise, but I doubt it was audible above the sounds of earnest grouting coming from elsewhere in the room. Marvellous. And wouldn't Ernest Grouting make a really good name for a character in a play?

All of this reminds me of a story or two from my years in New Zealand. Perhaps I should save them for another day.

*I come from a West Central Scotland working class background. We find bodily functions amusing. What can I say?


Someone that I work with - let's call him Floella - just handed me his new mobile phone to charge. I don't know why, but I seem to be Mr Mobile Phone Charger. A number of colleagues make a regular habit of getting me to fill them up when they're out of juice (sic). Floella's new mobile phone is "ruggedized", not to mention rubberised. Or rubberized, if you must. In fact, it looks as if it was designed to work underwater. Why?
I'm going diving this week, but if you need me, just ring, and I'll blow some bubbles at you. Whilst drowning.
Mind you, if I knew someone who had such a phone and took it on a diving trip, there would be an enormous temptation to replace the ringtone with the scary cello music from Jaws.


shiftclick said...

Mmmm. /ponders life, etc.

Well. It does seem that this isn't specific to West Central Scotland, but the entire U.K. area as well.

As Lovely Husband™ should tell you (being the obviously brilliant man he is) the more beans and lentils you partake of on a regular basis, the less gas you will incur, as your body adjusts. So keep eating your veggies. Your arteries will thank you.

Qenny said...

Hey, I was vegan for a while. I know how it works. It's like people who keep cats in apartments and claim they don't smell. They do, but after a couple of weeks, you cease to notice it. Visitors notice it. Very obviously! Vegetarians fart all the time, but after a few weeks, they adjust and think that their level of flatulence is the norm.


I wonder if this was all brought on my my using the word "carminative" earlier.

Also, I bow and scrape in worship at your technical superiority in being able to make TM appear tiny and in superscript. How do you do it?

Jay said...

Oh dear. Oh deeeear. What an introduction to your blog.

-swallows, then thinks better of it and gags instead-

You were, er, very inventive. And descriptive. And persuasive - I have now decided that I would rather turn into a fat meat-munching bastard than eat vegetables the way you do and experience... that.

Despite all that (!) nice stuff, Mr. Magician!

Qenny said...

Hello, Jay, and welcome.
Yes, you did rather happen by on a ... well, let's call it a brown day. Still, at least you didn't end up reading one of my more tedious entries.

frobisher said...

Well I see you've bowed to blogger pressure already and started on the poo posts - you attention whore.

I love vegetables, especially courgettes. Three cheers for lovely husband - does that make u Queeny?

*Happy 80th Birthday M'am*

frobisher said...

I hate phone snobs. I makes calls and receives them for christ sake. Oh and messages plus I like the alarm function. I have a Nokia 3310 - simple does what I want. I always charge mine up at work - perk of the job, I don't get many :(

Qenny said...

Folks who know me in the real world would probably read this and wonder why it took so long for me to broach a topic like this one.

I'll stick with qenny, although part of the reason I chose that as my stage name is that it looks like queeny. I must be at least 80 in gay years, so perhaps I should put on a blue twinset and some gloves and start waving.

I don't hate phone snobs, I just laugh at them. They have been SO duped into spending far too much money on features and functions that they neither want nor need.

And don't even start me on polyphonic ring tones.

shiftclick said...

Make sure your Num Lock key is on.

While holding down the Alt key, press 0153 and then release.

Presto-magic - ™

Qenny said...

Thanks for that, shiftclick. I cheated by copying and pasting, but your recommended method is much better. I did wonder whether it was an ALT + keypad thing (which I won't even try on my laptop, but will happily do on the home machine), but didn't have the patience to work my way through the whole ASCII set.

Oh, that was a bit nerdy, wasn't it? What a giveaway.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ha Hah! A Poo Post™!

Thanks Shifty, did you see what I did there?

Tickersoid said...

Tickersoid™ Wo! I can do it too.

Yey a poo post. It took me years to get the hang of the widepread silence. I used to try to clench it in, until a more suitable moment. Usually just made things worse. My try your silencer technique in future.

i've got a simple Nokia. It has features I don't understand so why would I want to update it?

shiftclick said...

Someday I will post all kinds of technical things on my blog that are easy to do.

Until then.

Very good, boys, very good.

Fuckkit said...

I've been using the silencer method for months now, not because I'm ashamed of farting. Au contrare, I love a good fart.
But people in my office for some reason think that letting one rip is something worth discussion and ridicule.
Pah! Children!

Jay said...

OMG™ I™ Am™ Going™ To™ Trademark™ Everything™ I™ Write™ From™ Now™ On™.

OK, maybe not.

Jorge said...

Hope the exam went well...

let us know how you got on so we can celebrate for you ;-)

AJ & Jorge

Qenny said...

IDV: Innit Great?™ Shifty is such a star™.

ticker: I wish I still had my old, monochrome, monophonic ringtone phone which had Actual Battery Life™. But as a corporate career monkey, most of the mobiles I've owned have come as part of a package, and they force upgrades on you like that scary man with the Revels forces unpleasant sweets.

shiftclick: You could well be responsible for the start of a complete ™ meme, or a more general alt-[code] one. Way to go!

fuckkit: I love a good fart, too. Shame on your childish colleagues! The best kind of fart can only be performed if you're having a shower and it has tiled walls. Get your arse all soapy, press it up against the tiles and let rip. Be prepared for a local news bulletin about an earth tremor.

jay: thank you for very ably demonstrating how things can be taken Just A Bit Too Far™. :-)

jorge: I'm onto it ... will be writing that up in a minute, in all its disappointing glory.