Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Only Straights & Horses

It has been slowly dawning on me that the hit comedy cult classic* "Only Fools & Horses" is enjoyed by almost all the straight people I know, and almost none of the gay ones. In fact, quite possibly none of the gay ones at all.

I think I might start using that to replace my faulty gaydar, which hasn't been working since I lived in New Zealand for five years. It took ages to recalibrate it for the land of the long white cloud, and since I got back to jolly old stinky old London, it hasn't been very accurate.

The problem was that when I first got to NZ, it looked like the whole country was full of buff gay men with beautiful skin tone and shaved heads. They all looked like Stepford Boyz, or at least a bunch of Old Compton Regulars. And the women - all fiesty, assertive and cool, and often featuring fuck-with-me-and-die glares which they are happy to bestow upon anyone getting in their way. It took a while to realise that the buff lads weren't the queens (although some of them are), and the fiesty women weren't the dykes (although some of them are). Months of reprogramming the gaydar ensued.

I'm not suggesting that if you don't like "Only Fools & Horses" that makes you a big poof; merely that if you are a big poof, chances are you won't like it. I'll have to double-check with my sister to see if the same applies in the lesbisexual community, because after all, there are those unusual differences, like the dyke penchant for Barry Manilow.

*I only used these words because they tend to be all flung in when something like this show is being described on the telly. They might not all be used at once, but they do all get trotted out. No pun intended.


Fuckkit said...

I'm a dyke and I don't like OFAH at all. However, my girlfriend can't get enough of it.

Hope that helps.


Actually, no, that wouldnt have helped at all.

Qenny said...

Yeah, I do need to check with my sister, too. She can't get enough of it either, but I'm not sure whether she likes OFAH :)

And neither she nor her ladyfriend likes Barry Manilow, although I think the first half-dozen lesbians I knew were all big fans.

Still, if the OFAH test doesn't work on women, it might still work as a way of being able to distinguish between men and men who like men.

Tickersoid said...

I think you're onto something here. Most straight men I know like OFAH. Problem is, it's been on the telly so much we're all getting sick of it. The question to ask is, 'was there a time when you thought OFAH was funny?'.

This is inspired thinking of yours.

A recent survey revealed that womens favourite film is 'Grease' and mens is 'Starwars'. I love Grease and other dance shows. Starwars bores me rigid. A badly calibrated 'gaydar' might read that incorrectly.
The OFAH test is much more reliable.

Qenny said...

Grease? Yuck!

I know lots of folks - gay and straight - who like it, but I found it really objectionable because the moral of the story seemed to be "conform to the lowest common denominator if you want to have friends". When I was growing up, I took the (then) traditional path of the poove-in-the-making by being bookish, introverted, and getting on well with the girls. And naturally, I wasn't very popular as a result. Grease just reminded me far too much of all that. Grease II was even worse (even though the hero looked great in his leather biker outfit).

Star Wars was always, to my mind, overhyped. It isn't as good as it's made out to be. Babylon 5, on the other hand, now there's some quality science fiction.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I'm practically flaming and I like Only Fools and Horses. And, Tickers, I remember it being funny, too.

The only good thing about Grease was, quite rightly, Maxwell Caulfield in Grease 2. Although he was far yummier in The Colby's...

Tickersoid said...

I didn't even know there was a Grease II.
ONJ in tight black pants and leather jacket did it for me.

And the dance routines which I keep promising myself I will learn.

frobisher said...

I LOVED Maxwell Caulfield in The Colbys!!! *wonders how old IDV is*

OFAH I think, is vastly overrated. Star Wars is fab - you gotta remember it was late 70s. The last one, Revenge of the Slith(?) was overblown and tiring.

The film "Showgirls" separates the men from the boys. Or breeders from fags. What say you on that one Tickers?

Qenny said...

It seems like there are a few exceptions to the OFAH rule, but it might still work as a guiding principle.

Don't get me wrong, frobisher, I liked Star Wars, but I've heard people say things about it that I could never agree with - that it gave an amazing sense of huge, operatic background and history, that there were suggestions of hidden depth, etc. I thought it was just a good sci-fi movie, nothing more, nothing less.

And I have to apologise, tickersoid, but your observation about ONJ's black pants and leather jacket combined with your yearning to learn the dance routines gave me a mental flash back to when Carol Vorderman took an ill-advised turn on Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes. It was true car crash television Which isn't to suggest you look anything like Carol Vorderman, of course.

I haven't seen "Showgirls". Does that mean my Queer Card (TM) is likely to be confiscated?

frobisher said...

I suggest you track down "Showgirls" as quickly as poss.